Sermons

Minister: Rev. Margaret A. Beckman | Kindness is a strength, a superpower that has the capacity to transform lives and change the world.
~ Donna Cameron
READING ~ from A Year of Living Kindly, Choices That Will Change Your Life and the World Around You by Donna Cameron. She Writes Press, 2018. P.13.
This book recounts what I learned during my year of living kindly and what I continue to learn. I’ve tried to approach kindness as I’ve tried to approach my life – taking it seriously without taking myself too seriously. I wish I could tell you that kindness has become my permanent setting and that I am always kind. But that’s not who I am. I am definitely kinder, and I am also happier, and I am committed to kindness, but I still have snarky thoughts, moments of impatience, and instances of obliviousness. I’m not the Dalai Lama or Mother Teresa in word or deed, but my world has changed very much for the better. Whether or not I ever become an unfailingly kind person, I will persist in this effort because the world is in desperate need of more kindness. And one thing I’ve learned with certainty is that if we are to create a better, safer, and more just world, we will do it through kindness.
READING   Hebrew Scripture, Micah 6:8
8 He has told you, O mortal, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God?
 

SERMON

A man who flies for his work often tells this story.

I boarded the plane and found my seat – on the isle – and tucked in with my book in for the flight ahead. Shortly after take-off a baby started crying. The mother and infant were directly in front of me. These things happen and usually the mother can cuddle the baby and the infant will settle down. Not this one. The child wailed. The mother was doing her best. As the baby cried and cried, some people started complaining about how this child was ruining their flight.

Then, a toddler walked down the isle and stopped beside the crying baby and handed the baby his pacifier. The baby took it, put it in her mouth and calmed down.

It was the toddler who was completely focused on the baby and what the baby might need. The rest of us were focused on ourselves and how inconvenient and disturbing the crying had become for us. We didn’t try to solve the baby’s problem, we were only concerned about our own unhappiness.

That day, I learned about kindness from a two-year-old.

 

Choosing kindness. It’s not always easy. It requires that we focus on the needs and the humanity of others. It requires us to pay attention and to notice the people in front of us. Sometimes that means performing an act of kindness. It means that we see the world from a vantage point of kindness. Kindness cannot be compelled. But we must choose kindness because for most of us, kindness doesn’t come naturally or easily. Sometimes it’s a downright struggle.

Our UU World recently published this story from Liz James under the heading Kindness in a Cruel World, Honoring Hard Choices:

April 6 · 2019

Yesterday, there was a phone lying on the ground beside a big garbage bin downtown. I saw it just after an older man did. He looked–ragged. He was clean, but his hair and beard hadn’t seen a haircut in a while, and he had a bad limp and a cane. He picked up the phone and put it in his pocket just before a young woman came racing out of the adjacent store. She and her friend began frantically searching the area surrounding the bin, and looking up at the piles of trash.

The man just watched them.

I watched the man. Thinking maybe I needed to say something. Thinking I know what it feels like to lose a phone. Also thinking that I know what it feels like to be hungry. So hungry that I knew exactly which groceries I would buy in which order if I came across any money. Thinking it is easy to write long lists of moral “should”s when your belly is full.

After a moment, the man heaved a heavy sigh and said “did you lose a phone?” to the woman, pulling it out of his pocket. She was grateful to him for picking it up (it had been on a roadway) and I moved on quickly–suddenly painfully aware that I was staring, even though I hadn’t yet been noticed.

I walked home, feeling intensely grateful that I now live a life where I don’t have to think twice about those kinds of choices.

Last night, we were talking about some art gallery in our city that was sponsored by some wealthy family, whose generosity will be immortalized for generations to come.

For a brief moment I wanted to tell the story of this guy, with the phone, and the expression on his face in the moment when he knew he had to hand it back. Before he did that very hard thing.

The statues we make to immortalize greatness . . . they’re never for moments like this one.

I wish a few of them were.

 

Being Kind can involve Hard Choices. It almost always involves being mindful. Kindness is about being willing to value others and their humanity more than our own convenience or need to always be right. Kindness slows us down. Stop. Consider. Then think, act, or speak from full heartedness.

What I’m suggesting is more than a recommendation to engage in random acts of kindness. It’s great to hold the door for someone or pay the bill for the person behind you in the Dunkin’ Donuts drive through. I do not mean to discount the thousand acts of kindness people demonstrate every day. My goal this morning, however, is bigger than that. I want us to commit to kindness – not as a series of good deeds, but as a way of being in the world. And that, dear friends, is harder. We are surrounded by selfishness, incivility, name calling, hateful gestures and hurtful characterizations and language. Do you know what I mean? It’s not just politics, though that can be really unkind. It’s become normal to be snarky and disrespectful toward anyone who differs in opinion, life choices, or interpretations of what we all need to do to do well in this country. I’m not immune to this sickness. And I’m not happy about that. Being snarky and better-than-thou feels good for a short while, and then it feels kinda sickening for a longer time.

Committing to kindness has to be an every day choice. I hope that with practice, it may get to be an easier choice – but it will always be a choice. I may not live long enough to have devoted ten thousand hours of practice to being kind, so maybe I’ll never be a master practitioner of kindness, but if I don’t start somewhere, and begin again every time I fail, I’ll never make any progress.

This need to call ourselves back to kindness is not a new thing in the 21st century.   In the eighth century before our common ear, the prophet Micah called his people back to kindness. Folks had gotten selfish and hard and cruel. Sure, they were God’s people, but they had strayed from the spirit of their covenant with their God. Their religious rituals were devoid of real spirituality and meaningfulness. Micah comes to turn things around.   He tells the people that God has an argument against them, and that they are not following their promises with God or with each other. There’s more to the story, but in short, doing more empty rituals and more elaborate sacrifices will not restore their broken relationships. Micah poses the question – What do you want from us? What must we do? How shall we live?

And the answer comes.   You already know what is required of you. Here is what is required . . .

To do justice
To love kindness
To walk in humility

Let me say a bit about the middle requirement – to love kindness.

This is not simply performing kind acts. It is loving kindness; it is being devoted to kindness. The Hebrew word here is chesed and it is rich in meaning. It often refers to way that God is in relation to God’s people. God is just and merciful; loving and slow to anger. It is the highest and most intimate description of God’s commitment to human beings. And here, Micah has used the word to describe not how God is with God’s people but rather, how God’s people are to be – – with God AND with each other – that they (we) might have chesed with each other. We are to be just and merciful; loving and slow to anger. We are to be generous of heart, mind and spirit. We are to be committed to kindness. This is what God requires. Can we be satisfied with anything less?

A story

My youngest child, who is autistic, has taught me so much — and yet there are times, like our morning bus routine, when her autism causes me anxiety. We have to wait for her bus for up to twenty minutes on a small strip of grass on a busy road, and I have to be very creative to keep her not only entertained but out of the street. (I wonder how many people we entertain each morning.)

One day last month, a white woman pulled over and ran over to us with a shopping bag. She said she sees us every morning and is so moved by my obvious love and adoration for my daughter that she felt compelled to do something kind for us. She noticed that I never have on a coat and I often stand in the rain. She didn’t know if the things would fit, she said, but the receipt was in the bag. She smiled and drove away.

As I looked down at the bag, I had very mixed emotions. I have a winter coat, but my worn-out sweatshirt is comfortable and too bulky to fit under my coat. I stand in the rain because umbrellas cause anxiety for my little one. Did she do this because I’m black? Why did she feel I needed these items?

I put my daughter on the bus, went inside, and found a note in the bag. She said she’d wanted to stop now for weeks. She was a single mom who had struggled for years to raise her boys. She didn’t know if I needed anything, but was drawn to me and my daughter. The note said to return the items and get what I wanted if I didn’t want what was in the bag.

My eyes filled with tears. Amid these racially tense times and political unrest and horrible acts of violence we see almost daily, she just needed to do something nice for someone. Seeing my daughter and me every day reminded her of the good this world has. I think she needed that connection.

Although I have what I need for the winter, I’m still a struggling single mother of three. I took the items to the store and exchanged them for items I’d been wanting. I sent out a blessing for her to the universe and held on to the notion that there are those of us who want to reach out to others; who believe that there’s goodness in the world, and want to find it. And I am grateful.

  

Prayer
Oh Sprit of Life, may we accept the kindness of others and be reminded that even in times of despair, there really is much good in world.

Rayla D. Mattson

Rayla D. Mattson serves as the Director of Religious Education for the Unitarian Society of Hartford (Connecticut).

Part of our ongoing practice of kindness involves developing the capacity to accept the kindness of others. Kindness is a superpower but without people accepting that superpower, it’s useless. We are both givers and receivers of kindness. That’s how we increase the frequency and effect of kindness in our world. … That’s how we change our world.

There is no doubt that the world needs more kindness. In this political climate when people are divided and demonizing the other side, you know I need to fix my mind and heart on kindness or I will go spinning into the orbit of confrontation, name-calling, mistrust, and general meanness.   That is not how I wish to live.

Donna Cameron, author of A Year of Living Kindly, offers a dozen reasons to choose kindness. I’m not going to describe them in the remaining few minutes I have with you. Suffice it to say, when we commit ourselves to kindness as a way of being, we’re much better off – mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

In her year and now lifetime commitment to kindness, she has learned much. Here is her Kindness Manifesto – in brief (pp. 269-270).

Pay attention.
Withhold judgement.
Pause
Receive graciously.
Take care of yourself.
Be grateful.
Every kindness matters, even the smallest.
Choose peace – Life may not be easy or fair, we can still choose peace.
If kindness isn’t evident, look harder.
Always choose kindness – You will never regret it

Finally, she reminds that though choosing kindness may be simple, it isn’t easy. It takes courage and resolve and practice – for the rest of our lives.

My Dear Spiritual Companions, we are living in challenging times. Right now, we are caught up in a political struggle for the heart and soul of our nation. People everywhere are suffering. Migration of people is extreme for extreme reasons. The climate is in collapse. Human rights are under assault. Yet, it’s not all bad news. There is kindness out there. And there are people who live from a center of kindness.

May we be more kind in thought and word as well as in deeds. May we hold and speak our truth in kindness. May we seek to be kind more than to be right. May others say of us and may we say of each other here in this beloved faithful community, “they are kind.”

Blessed Be.   I Love You.   Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
A Dozen Reasons to Choose Kindness
Donna Cameron in A Year of Living Kindly

“Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom.” (Theodore Isaac Rubin)

The decision to make kindness a central element in our lives does not automatically imbue us with that important quality. Like so many other things we choose to care about, that’s just the beginning. Practice is required if we want to become proficient. Just as they say you need to practice if you want to play the piano well … or you need to write regularly if you want to be a writer … or you need to practice your swing if you want to shoot par in golf, you also need to strengthen your kindness muscle by using it regularly. The result—eventually—will be that kindness comes naturally and even sometimes effortlessly. That’s the sweet spot.

But, of course, if we’re going to practice something, there needs to be a good reason. If it’s writing, maybe you want to be published, or you want to be able to express yourself through stories that will entertain or inspire. If it’s piano, maybe you want to connect with the music, be part of a jazz combo, or entertain friends. If it’s golf, you’re simply a masochist.

With regard to kindness, it should be enough just to know it’s the right thing to do, but there are also some really good reasons to choose kindness and to practice it until it becomes ingrained in our reflexes. Here are a few:

Kindness is good for our health.There have been several studies about the health benefits of kindness. They show that people who are routinely kind get relief from chronic pain, stress, and insomnia, and they also have increases in happiness, optimism, and self-worth. More specifically:
Kindness has a positive effect on the body’s immune system, as well as on the production of serotonin in the brain.  Serotonin is a chemical created by the human body that has a calming, anti-anxiety effect.
Kindness is good for your heart: Acts of kindness often generate an emotional warmth, which produces the hormone oxytocin in the brain and body, which, in turn, releases nitric oxide in blood vessels causing them to dilate and lower one’s blood pressure, acting as a cardio-protective agent. Oxytocin also reduces levels of free radicals and inflammation in the cardio-vascular system, thus reducing heart disease.
Kindness slows aging: That same reduction of free radicals and inflammation slows aging in the human body. Compassion has similarly been linked to activity in the vagus nerve, which also regulates heart rate and controls inflammation levels in the body.
Kindness makes us happier: Kindness elevates the levels of dopamine in the brain, giving us a “natural high.” It has been shown to substantially increase happiness and reduce depression.
Kindness improves relationships: Connecting with one another is actually a genetic predisposition, according to researcher David Hamilton, PhD: “Our evolutional ancestors had to learn to cooperate with one another. The stronger the emotional bonds within groups, the greater the chances of survival, so ‘kindness genes’ were etched into the human genome.” As a result, kindness helps us build new relationships and enhance existing ones.
Kindness is contagious: Just as colds and flu are contagious in a bad way, so is kindness in a good way. Kindness begets more kindness. “When we’re kind,” Dr. Hamilton says, “we inspire others to be kind, and it actually creates a ripple effect that spreads outwards to our friends’ friends’ friends—to three degrees of separation.” Whether one extends kindness, receives kindness, or merely witnesses kindness, the result is the same: it acts as a catalyst for more kindness.
Kindness alleviates social anxiety: Recent research showed that engaging in acts of kindness reduced levels of social anxiety and social avoidance. Individuals who performed acts of kindness reported lower levels of discomfort and anxiety about social interaction, and were more able to participate in group activities.
Kindness is a good reason to get ample rest and sleep: It’s been shown that sleep helps us be kinder. So getting your zzzz’s is a way of extending kindness toward yourself and the planet. You don’t need an excuse for that afternoon siesta! In addition, extending kindness when we’re tired can be as replenishing as a cat-nap, or a jolt of java.
Kindness has been linked to greater life satisfaction: Those who regularly extend generosity and perform acts of kindness report higher degrees of satisfaction with their lives.
Kindness make the workplace more productive and enjoyable:– A kind work environment helps employees feel more engaged; it improves morale, builds loyalty and engagement, reduces absences, and increases profits. Forget all those old-school books on winning through intimidation and fear; kindness is a better business model.
Kindness serves life:Kindness guides us to look for the positive rather than the negative, to seek the best in the people we encounter, and to embrace abundance: we have enough and we are When we do these things, we offer our best selves to life, and help manifest the world as we want it to be.

We don’t really need reasons to extend kindness—kindness is simply the best expression of who and what we are. But in the face of myriad deadlines and obligations it’s easy to look for shortcuts and overlook opportunities to extend kindness, so it never hurts to remind ourselves that there are really good reasons to be kind.

And to practice kindness daily….

“Our greatest gift is to allow ourselves to feel alive in this sea, moving with the tides of lovingkindness as they move into us, through us, out of us into others, only to return again and again.” (Wayne Muller)

 
My Biggest Kindness Lessons
Donna Cameron pp 264 -267 A Year of Living Kindly

Here are my biggest lessons in kindness:

Pay attention. A huge aha is the role of mindfulness in kindness. All I need to do is pay attention and I see that opportunities to extend kindness are everywhere (as are examples of kindness). So often, we operate on automatic-pilot, oblivious to the people and circumstances around us, and the difference a word, a smile, or an act of kindness could make. I’ve come to see that the simple reminder to “pay attention” may be one of the universal secrets to a good life. And like so many other things related to kindness, it’s simple, but it isn’t easy. If we’re present for our lives—paying attention—we’re going to recognize when our gifts are needed: a smile, a word of kindness, a proffered hand.

Pause. I would put the power of the pause up against the power of the Hoover Dam. It’s that big. Instead of speaking or acting in instant response to a situation, taking the time to pause and think about what I want my response to activate—and why—has been transformative. In the space of that brief pause, I might totally change my reaction, or perhaps decide not to respond at all. That pause has always guided me to a better place.

Let go of judgment. It so easy when we see people behaving inconsiderately to judge them—especially in settings where we are thrown together to navigate crowded spaces, such as congested streets and highways or teeming markets. In such settings, it often seems that strangers are there just to get in our way or slow us down. We judge them for their aberrant driving, for being oblivious obstructions, and sometimes just for taking up too much space on the planet. We do it to strangers and often we do it to friends and loved ones, too—especially when we’re feeling tired or depleted. Instead of attributing a silence or an ill-chosen word to malice or resentment, we can assume good intent. We can just as easily say to ourselves, “I’m sure she didn’t mean that the way it sounded.” Why wouldn’t we want to believe the best rather than the worst? Suspending judgment is hard, but it’s one of the first big steps in behaving kindly.

Kindness has no ending. It just keeps reverberating outward and serving life in ways we may never know. Every once in a while, you hear a story about someone who was at the end of their tether—about to explode or self-destruct—and an unexpected kindness arrived to lessen the pain and show them a more positive alternative. We can never know if even the tiniest kindness we extend might ripple out to eventually change the world. What a great reason to send out all the ripples we can! 

Being kind is more important than being right. Another transformative aha. So many of us were raised to be smart—and rewarded for being smart—that we have often tended to value smart over kind, and being right over … well, just about anything. It’s not that we can’t be both kind and smart or kind and right, but on those occasions when we have to choose between them, choosing kind is also our path to peace. 

What we think about is what we become. And what we look for is what we are most likely to see. We can spend our time pursuing life’s broken bits and catching others’ mistakes, and the more we do it, the better we’ll get at it. But where’s the satisfaction in always playing “gotcha,” and who will want to play with us? If we invest that energy, instead, in looking for what’s right and what’s good, and recognizing the special qualities of the people we encounter, life will be richer in every way. If we look for goodness and for kindness, we’ll find them. 

Kindness requires courage. Fear is probably the biggest reason we don’t extend kindness. We fear rejection, being judged, looking foolish, or becoming vulnerable. We fear venturing into unexplored territory and being seen as weak or clumsy. Sometimes these fears are paralyzing. But the more we tap into and exercise our courage in the face of those fears, the less power they will have over us. Our courage grows the more we use it.

We can always choose kindness. We have control over both our perceptions and our reactions. We can choose the path that leads us to peace. It takes practice, but it’s within our capabilities.

Kindness isn’t a destination; it’s a path. Kindness isn’t something that I can adopt for a single year and then move on. My #1 job is kindness. That’s what I’m here for.

These certainly aren’t all the lessons of kindness. But over this year of trying to live a kind life, these were often consistent and recurring themes. It seems to me that the most important lessons in life are ones that we learn, and relearn, and learn some more. I hope to go on learning these lessons . . . I still have so much to learn about kindness—enough to last a lifetime.

Or maybe I’m just a slow learner. 

“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.” (Aesop)